Introspection

 

                So, because I’m me, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been letting people down by having thoughts. This is just par for the course for me. I always feel that because I have opinions I’m letting someone down. I’ve failed as a human if I disagree with someone, it has kept me up at night. Running scenarios through my head, what could I have done better? What could I have said that would make the other person understand?

                This line of thinking is consistent, it doesn’t matter how small a matter I’m talking about. It could be about the color of the wall, or about the width of the street. It doesn’t matter, I agonize about how I’ve let someone down. It may not be immediate, maybe I need to cool down, but I do run through just about all high tension scenarios many times after the fact. I take these all to heart, and don’t let them go easily. I try my best to learn from the things that bother me, some things are easier than others. The things that are harder to learn, tend to make me frustrated the most when they come up again, which can lead to a more immediate angry response. Understanding myself has seemed to be the best defense against this.

                Without a doubt, I’m fairly introverted. Meeting new people is a very scary prospect for me. I think I’d be more comfortable coming face to face with an aggressive wild animal. My hands perspire so much that it’s impossible to dry, my mind goes blank to the point that I can’t hear. My only focus is on what I’m going to say, which I need to rehearse. Which never works, because I don’t get any of the prompts that I anticipate. To some extent, these feelings are mitigated depending on the circumstances. If they are necessary for some form of transaction or another I can deal. If the interchange is entirely unforced, meaning a random encounter, I can’t prepare for that and I lock up. However, I’ll play that interchange in my head for weeks after, in great detail.

                I’ve always been opposed to social media because I don’t find it intuitive, people post mundane things like what they are eating, or things like what day of the week it is. I can’t say that I really get the appeal, even to this day. However, thanks to COVID-19 I’ve been home a heck of a lot more, and am in need of any kind of break from the day to day.

                On top of being an introvert, I am without a doubt a Beta personality. Meaning basically that if there is a conversation happening around me, I’m not going to get much in edgewise. Regardless of how strongly I feel about the subject, I may have many points I wish to bring up, but due to my nature I’m going to hold off and let others speak. Even if it means that the topic has changed and I can’t get my thought through. This is how I’ve always operated, thinking maybe I’m not quick witted enough, or even that I can’t process information fast enough to participate in a conversation. I sit back and wait for an opening for a sarcastic comment. It’s what I can contribute, and its what people who know me expect.

                5 or 6 months into this pandemic, I find that my sarcasm isn’t taken the same way anymore. My family gets it, but its not the same. I began to write to get some of my thoughts, and re-plays out of my head. Trying to cut down on the noise within my head, and to give me some kind of outlet for any emotion that needs to come out.

                Posting anything was very painful, not just because I didn’t think anyone would care, but also because I did think people would care. I stand by what I believe in, it’s what makes me. However, I am afraid of what others think about me. I’m afraid that I’ll further isolate myself because of what makes me tick, but nothing has been more freeing than to be able to complete my thoughts and get everything out. I don’t care if it’s not read, just to be able to get things out is enough.

                If nothing else, I try to be as honest as I can with what I write. I put myself out there, open to criticism, and encouragement all the same. I’m not perfect, and I certainly don’t expect to be. Nor do I expect anyone else to be. I’m trying to be honest with myself, and to anyone else. This is who I am, I’m not going to contribute much to a conversation, I may struggle to learn your name, but sure as shit I’m going to remember if I think I wronged you.